Will We Foster Again?

It has been 2 months since Artichoke and Zucchini left. I think about them Every. Single. Day. Wondering how they are doing, how much they have grown and what funny things they are saying. But every day since they have left, I have asked myself the same question: will we foster again? And apparently I'm not the only one wondering this since so many people have asked us this since the boys left. The short answer: I don't know. 

The more accurate answer: We have absolutely no clue. We want to in the idealistic sense, but it doesn't seem "right" in the realistic sense. Which is clearly a problem. But even the bigger problem is that nothing feels "right" right now, even what we are currently doing. So there is a long list of pro/cons that don't ever seem to help me figure out what that answer should be. Ugh!  

I think our decision is definitely complicated by the fact that we got a trial run at parenting. Most other people just decide if they want a kid and if they do then they start getting busy. But now that we've had a glimpse into the world of having kids, being parents, dealing with the foster care system, and everything else we went through in those 6 months with Artichoke and Zucchini, we feel like we are back to square one and more clueless than ever. So here's a glimpse into my current pro/con list., but first some warnings.

Warning #1- I change my gut feeling almost hourly. Unfortunately that's not an exaggeration. So if it looks like I'm leaning in one direction it probably isn't accurate anymore.

Warning #2- This is not our pro/con list.  The hubby looks at things completely different than me (not so shocking for those of you that know him). Once we each have some more clarity, we are going to try to make a plan for us.  Thank God Rudy doesn't get a vote!

Question #1:  Do you want kids?

A:  No-  Man, they are a lot of work.  Like a whole bunch of work.  And our simple life is pretty nice. Although, what would fill with my extra time? We aren't the globe-trotting type and I don't really have that many hobbies, so what would I do?

B:  Yes-  They are cute.  And I don't really feel like our family is "complete".

So I think for today at this moment, my answer is: I would like to have kids in my life.

Question #2:  How would you like for kids to come into your life?

A:  Biological children, fondly referred to "vag kids" in our house! 

B:  Foster kids

C:  Adoption

D:  Fulfilling the role of "Aunt" and "Uncle" to friends' kids

This is where things get VERY complicated.  So let's take each answer and review the pro/con list.

Pro's of Vag Kids

• Clean slate as in they weren't abused or neglected or drug exposed
• We would be free to parent as we choose
• There is the potential they would be mini-me's of my hubby- so cute!
• Family, friends, and colleagues know how to support you since most of them have had kids

Con's of Vag Kids

• I have a very unique medical background which leaves doctors completely unsure of how my body will react if I'm pregnant.  Best case- my gall bladder would be removed, which is apparently a pretty common procedure done on pregnant ladies.  Worst case- my life would be endangered, emergency surgery would be necessary and we would have to chose between me and the baby
• We could have fertility problems- you never know!
• You are stuck with them for 18 years, but really forever
• They are expensive
• They will have horrible vision since both me and hubby are blind as bats

Pro's of Foster Kids

• All of the reasons that got us into this in the first place.  Living our passion.
• They are temporary.  The average stay in our county is 2.5 years
• They aren't as expensive since we receive monthly stipends and daycare is paid for
• Instant baby- We could probably have a baby in our home within a month or two

Con's of Foster Kids

• Constantly living under the rules of "the system", which can be annoying on a daily basis and get you in quite a pickle
• Struggle with "the system" that never very rarely follows its own policies (or sometimes even laws) 
• Documenting your entire life: behaviors, stories told, injuries, every medication (prescription or over-the-counter) given to the child and the list goes on and on
• Being pulled into the drama of the case and the uncertainty of the child's future to guarantee their best interest is at the forefront of every decision that is made
• Support system is limited since not everyone is foster-friendly
• Need a job with considerable flexibility in order to attend the plethora of meetings and court dates

Pro's of Adoption

• I wouldn't die in the process of getting a baby
• Cleaner slate- weren't abused or neglected or exposed to drugs on the outside of the womb

Con's of Adoption

• Expensive
• Did I mention how expensive it is?
• The process takes a long time, sometimes years, and is its own roller coaster
• There is a lot of competition for infants and I'm not sure we'd be comfortable adopting an older child unless they were our foster child

Pro's of Aunt/Uncle-ing

• We could keep our freedom
• Our friends would love us for babysitting and taking their kids on adventures

Con's of Aunt/Uncle-ing

• We have been doing this to some extent with our friends' kids already and yet still were pulled to foster parenting because I don't think that was "enough" for us
• You are always the weird creepy people without kids who show up to neighborhood events, kids' birthday parties, etc.

There you have it!  Or we could always just get another puppy and move to Europe. Now there's an idea!

2012 Year in Review: The Complete Foster Care Cycle

Last names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent.

Can't even imagine what 2013 has in store for us!

Hope for the best (and for some batteries)!

As I've discussed before, we aren't expecting to have any contact with Artichoke and Zucchini now that they have been reunified with their family. While we hoped this would be different, we aren't surprised that this is how things turned out. First, the boys were only at our home for 5 months, leaving us very little time to form a meaningful relationship with their parents. Second, we had no meetings with the specific purpose of shared parenting, which is part of the county's plan for every case. Although, when is that plan actually followed?  Please excuse my sarcasm. And finally, the social workers didn't do the best job at facilitating this relationship- at all.

Since the boys' case is still open, we were told before the boys left that we could send Christmas presents to them through the social work. And I had most of their Christmas presents already purchased before we knew they would be heading home so soon. I tried to keep the Christmas gifts simple, which meant spoiling them with some special treats aka already purchased Christmas gifts before they left. This left us giving each of them two toys we knew they'd enjoy- Cars Memory game and Angry Birds game for Artichoke and two trucks for Zucchini. And they each got a Cinch Sac (love me some Thirty One) with their name embroidered filled with Christmas and winter themed books.

via Toys R Us

via Amazon

via Amazon

via Toys R Us

While I'm happy we can give them a few presents, it also seems weird to participate in their Christmas after no contact in a month and no expected contact in the future. I worry that they are starting to settle into their new chapter and I don't want presents from us to give them false hope we will be in their future or create any sadness from missing us.  But I also knew that if I didn't take advantage of this opportunity, I'd regret it.

I think these presents actually made Christmas harder for me this year because it is so partial. We aren't able to spoil them the way we had planned. Let me tell you it would have been an insane Christmas- complete with Santa visiting our house on Christmas Eve! And yet I have felt these presents hanging over me as the last thread that has been keeping us connected to them albeit in the vaguest way possible.

Today we the hubby delivered the presents to the social worker.  To be honest, I'm glad I wasn't there. I probably would have turned into a crying mess. From this point forward, there is no plan of contact and we aren't expecting any updates. This is the end.  This chapter is completely closed.

Now we can just hope for the best.

And hope they have some AA batteries for those trucks since I forgot to include them!

Sushi, Korean BBQ and Ikea

Things have been getting better. Or maybe I should say easier? I mean our life post-kids definitely has some perks, but I'm still not sure which life "better". Although this one is definitely easier! We can do what we want, when we want, where we want. The freedom has actually been really weird.  And even I am surprised in the ways it has been utilized.

First, there is my ongoing obsession with sushi. Keep in mind I was never a huge fan of sushi prior the kids leaving. And when I say sushi, I actually mean the cooked rolls. But somehow this food fully represents the perfect non-kid-friendly meal for me, which makes me enjoy it even more!

Then, our Thanksgiving dinner might have looked like this:

Yes, that is delicious Korean barbecue! More specifically, Galbi (short ribs), Beef Bulgogi, Pork Aamgyupsal (pork belly), and Hwyamit Gui (beef tongue). Chicken Bulgogi and Shrimp Gui came later.

The kids were gone but we were still used to our stuff being broken and bodily fluids on the floor (I kid- sorta), so we figured it was time to invite over our friends! And the Clustercluck of Thanks was born. I went into full on cooking mode because, well, I didn't have anything else to do!  So there might have been an entire {traditional} Thanksgiving spread along with 10 other random appetizers and desserts.  We told people to come hungry, but they weren't quite prepared for our spread!  And I had a bit too much of this punch, so there aren't any pictures to show of this shin-dig.

As expected, we have been taking our fair share of naps. This is a past time that we greatly missed when kids were in our life, so we are trying to make up for lost time.

I also took a spur-of-the-moment trip to Ikea.  This was definitely non-kid-friendly since the closest Ikea is 3 hours away!  But I had a great time catching up with one of my friends and picking up some Christmas presents.  More to come on this!

Yes, that does mean that all of my Christmas shopping was not completed by Halloween, which is customary for me. So I have been busy catching up on life: shopping for Christmas presents, sending out Christmas cards, menu planning for 2, vacation planning, and just enjoying our simpler, quieter new chapter in life.

It Sucks

I haven't posted because I haven't quite known what to say.  Things have been rough this week. Really rough at times. 

We got our first update on Artichoke and Zucchini. *buzz kill alert* I'm not going to share any of the specifics because that isn't the point of this.  But I will say that for the most part things are going as we expected- for better or worse.  But the update hit me hard.  Like really hard.  Partly because the phone call was completely unexpected.  And the information just started flowing and it took me a minute to wrap my head around the fact that we were even getting an update much less what was actually being said- not that it was all that much information. But then it really sunk in that they aren't here anymore. We didn't get a weekend off.  Or find the most incredible babysitter ever.  But they are gone. And they aren't coming back.

My only post-reunification wish was to maintain contact at any level. So I always thought I would love getting status updates. And right now, these little updates from the social workers are looking like our only link to the boys ever- although I still hope that my google search in 2026 turns up some awesome results. But now I find myself dreading any update.  I mean, there is still a tiny part of me is excited to hear that everything is okay and they are fine.  But when the update includes things that aren't perfect (which is bound to happen because everything can't always be perfect) it is harder than I imagined.  I know immediately what I want to tell them or do to comfort them.  But I can't do anything except worry and hope things work themselves out.  And now I wondering if I'd rather just not know.

So this week has been filled with so many thoughts of the things we can't do anymore. We can't give them a hug when things are tough. We can't high-five and treat them to dinner out for good behavior. We can't experience the joy of Christmas through their eyes. We can't read them an extra book so we can steal one more snuggle. We can't be there anymore.  Despite how much we want to be.

It sucks. Their room is way too empty. Our house is staying way too clean. Rudy has way too much energy. And decorating for Christmas without them isn't any fun. Anyone want to come decorate our tree?

But I am so thankful for everyone who has been checking in on me.  I appreciate it more than you know.  I'm sorry I haven't returned your email/comment/text/phone call/message/etc.  I just don't really know what to say. And honestly, the last thing I want to talk about right now is all of this because I turn into a big blubbery mess. I am hanging in there and I'm doing okay. So there's no need to worry. But it sucks.

So Thankful

I am so thankful for all of the comments, emails, texts, posts, and calls from family and friends (including the creepy internet ones) that helped me get through yesterday and the last month. Really you have no idea how much these mean to me and how supportive they really were.  Thank you!

But I also want to thank everyone who has been with us in this foster parenting journey: supporting us through the mountains of paperwork, understanding as we transitioned into and out of parenthood, cooking yummy dinners so we have one less thing to figure out, volunteering to be an approved babysitter, actually babysitting so we can regain some sanity, cheering as we celebrated, listening when we needed to vent, sharing advice, accepting the lack of details we can share,  hugging us when we needed it the most (even from far away),  understanding when life got in the way of posts and accepting and cherishing Artichoke and Zucchini for who they are.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Saying Good-Bye with Colored Stairs

It is official. Artichoke and Zucchini are back at home.

Since we had so much time to contemplate our last hours with the boys, this became a constant worry for me. Would they know what was really going on? Would our good-bye be special? Would it become overly emotional making things more difficult for the boys? I feel like I played a thousand different scenarios in my head of how the good-byes could go, which never helps you think it will turn out okay.

The hubby and I both woke up the boys per Artichoke's request. They got dressed and had breakfast just like every morning. Then we showed the boys all of their belongings that were packed up and ready to move to "real mommy's house". This definitely eased some of Artichoke's anxiety, but he also continued to ask if this or that was packed all morning long. We played inside with the boys and stole some more snuggles. We could tell they were getting restless since there were so few toys available to play with since most were packed. So we headed out side to play and burn off some energy until the social worker arrived.  We were shocked that she pulled up to our house a few minutes early, since we were half expecting the move date to rescheduled yet again. Shortly after she arrived, Zucchini put all of the pieces together and began to cry scream. The poor social worker was trying to soothe him, which he wasn't having. But as soon as the hubby picked him up, he immediately calmed down. I was SO thankful that things clicked for Zucchini. One of my fears was that he'd wave good-bye not realizing that this was it. But he's a smart cookie and totally got it.

After packing up her SUV, it was time for the good-byes.  We didn't want a long, emotional good-bye since we thought stirring up emotions in the boys right before they went home wouldn't be good for anyone.  We made sure everyone was wearing their listening ears and had their extra set ready in case the first pair fell off- as we do every morning.  Then hugs and kisses.  Then we talked about how we will miss each other but we are all connected by The Invisible String (highly recommend this book for all kids).  Then there were a few more hugs and kisses and they were off.  Honestly, it was a GREAT good-bye.  It was positive but there was definitely some closure for all of us.

The rest of the day has been kind of a blur.  I went into work for a while to finish up some things, which was a good distraction.  Tonight, the hubby and I enjoyed some sushi, wine, and our hot tub!  I'm sure as the weekend goes on things will continue to sink in.

My favorite part of the day?  When we went outside to play, I stayed inside for a quick shower.  When I went outside I saw all of my boys (Artichoke, Zucchini and the hubby) hard at work on this to surprise me.  And my heart melted.

Yes, they are just sidewalk chalk colored stairs.  But they are so much more than that.  The last time the stairs were colored was because Artichoke and Zucchini wanted to surprise the hubby while he took a nap (which forever earned him the nickname "Awesome Sleepyhead") because he had pneumonia. That was 5 months ago.  Or more precisely the first weekend we had the boys!  I loved how any visitors coming to our home were immediately greeted with evidence of our two little ones!

Today I needed to see those stairs because they mean so much more.  Of course, they are still a sign of how truly sweet these boys are.  But they also show me that something has "stuck" with the boys- even something as little as coloring stairs.  So many people have told us that we have made a lasting impact on them.  While I do believe we have had an impact, I wonder how "lasting" it will be.  But today I have much more hope.  If they can remember color stairs is fun, then hopefully they will remember to keep their listening ears on or that fair doesn't mean equal or to chew with their mouth closed or some other lesson we taught that really is much more useful.

But the real reason I love the stairs is because coming home now isn't so bad.  I had dreaded the quiet of our home after boys left.  But now I don't feel like the boys are completely gone.  Their sweet gesture still greets our visitors with the same warm welcome.  But most importantly, those stairs greet me and make the new quiet-ness of this new chapter in life so much more bearable.