It Sucks

I haven't posted because I haven't quite known what to say.  Things have been rough this week. Really rough at times. 

We got our first update on Artichoke and Zucchini. *buzz kill alert* I'm not going to share any of the specifics because that isn't the point of this.  But I will say that for the most part things are going as we expected- for better or worse.  But the update hit me hard.  Like really hard.  Partly because the phone call was completely unexpected.  And the information just started flowing and it took me a minute to wrap my head around the fact that we were even getting an update much less what was actually being said- not that it was all that much information. But then it really sunk in that they aren't here anymore. We didn't get a weekend off.  Or find the most incredible babysitter ever.  But they are gone. And they aren't coming back.

My only post-reunification wish was to maintain contact at any level. So I always thought I would love getting status updates. And right now, these little updates from the social workers are looking like our only link to the boys ever- although I still hope that my google search in 2026 turns up some awesome results. But now I find myself dreading any update.  I mean, there is still a tiny part of me is excited to hear that everything is okay and they are fine.  But when the update includes things that aren't perfect (which is bound to happen because everything can't always be perfect) it is harder than I imagined.  I know immediately what I want to tell them or do to comfort them.  But I can't do anything except worry and hope things work themselves out.  And now I wondering if I'd rather just not know.

So this week has been filled with so many thoughts of the things we can't do anymore. We can't give them a hug when things are tough. We can't high-five and treat them to dinner out for good behavior. We can't experience the joy of Christmas through their eyes. We can't read them an extra book so we can steal one more snuggle. We can't be there anymore.  Despite how much we want to be.

It sucks. Their room is way too empty. Our house is staying way too clean. Rudy has way too much energy. And decorating for Christmas without them isn't any fun. Anyone want to come decorate our tree?

But I am so thankful for everyone who has been checking in on me.  I appreciate it more than you know.  I'm sorry I haven't returned your email/comment/text/phone call/message/etc.  I just don't really know what to say. And honestly, the last thing I want to talk about right now is all of this because I turn into a big blubbery mess. I am hanging in there and I'm doing okay. So there's no need to worry. But it sucks.